Best Joke Of the Day
One of the world’s greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it.”

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it.”

“You’re very kind,” the professor said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.”
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Wife Jokes
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This woman's husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes and that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double! 
       So, the woman thinks of a first wish... 
      "I want to be rich!!!" 
      So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich! 
      So, the woman thinks of a second wish... 
      "I want to be beautifull!!" 
      So, the woman became beautifull, and the husband became twice as beautifull. 
       "Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!" 
       The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision. 
      "I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
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man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?" 
      Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." 
      Man: "No sir, I was going 65." 
      Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) 
      The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!, WOMAN !" 
      Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." 
      Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" 
      Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) 
      The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!, WOMAN !" 
      Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." 
      Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." 
      Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." 
      The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!, WOMAN !" 
      The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" 
      The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
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A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

“No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!”

She said she didn’t believe him, so she called the bar.

“Hello,” she said, “I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?”

To which she heard the bartender say, “Hey, Clarence, -
I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!”
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Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
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Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.
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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!” Martha responds excitedly, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!” The man responds, “I don’t care… just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
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A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
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A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he’s finished.
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