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Best Joke Of the Day
One of the world’s greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it.”

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it.”

“You’re very kind,” the professor said, “but I must find it, otherwise I won’t know where to get off.”
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Idiot Jokes
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Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was 
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up 
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good 
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever 
smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's 
your excuse then?"
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There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of
them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to
be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy -
Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says,
"I'm not a Bush fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry
fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan,
so I'm a Kerry fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if
you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."
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These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, “We’ll have to come back here tomorrow!”

The other asks, “But how will we remember where this spot is?”

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, “We’ll just look for this X tomorrow.”

The other guy says, “You idiot! How do you know we’ll get the same boat?”
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During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
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Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course! 
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"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the 
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the 
housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might 
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent 
is paid up for six months!"
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How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

From a catalogue.
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Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought, "This is unusual."
The dentist said to me,  "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."
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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and 
found the boss waiting for him.  "What's the story this time, Jones?" he 
asked sarcastically.  "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.  The wife decided 
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the 
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river 
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. 
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was 
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously 
disappointed.  "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
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A man and his date walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier after
having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills most
exclusive restaurants.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the
furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that
particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy,

"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
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